Guidelines to Living in the Narutoverse
by The Unwritten Fellowship
Summary: Featuring the Akatsuki, shinobi and civilians of the Naruto world. Rules you should - or not - follow when exploring this epic world of ninjas. Signed, Ariana Oswald
1. Chapter 1

Rule #1

Hide your eye make-up from Gaara/Deidara/Itachi/Orochimaru

(They have no qualms about using it)

(And not giving it back)

(Come on, guys)

(It's not that hard to go out and get your own!)

oOo

Rule #2

Stop saying 'un' at the end of every sentence

(It was kind of funny at first)

(But then Deidara blew up my room)

(And the kitchen)

(And most of the base)

(So, yeah, no more 'un')

oOo

Rule #3

Never tell Kakashi the plot of the next _Icha Icha_ book

(I'm still recovering)

oOo

Rule #4

Always hug Sai

(He's socially awkward)

(Nothing like a hug to make a cocoon)

(And then one day he'll become a beautiful social butterfly)

(He seriously believes this)

oOo

Rule #5

The Sound Four are not a band and I am not their manager

(Orochi just doesn't want to share the money)

(Greedy son of a bitch)

oOo

Rule #6

The following ladies are not to be messed with during their time of month: Sakura, Tsunade, Karin, Hinata and Anko

(The men of Konoha have set up a support group for trauma victims)

oOo

Rule #7

Never mess with Anko

(Taking her dango is a biiiiig no-no)

oOo

Rule #8

Don't convince everyone that the reason Sasori and Deidara are always fighting is because they're secretly in love

(I am still convinced of this)

(I see right through this clever ruse)

oOo

Rule #9

If Nagato believes he is a Jedi, let him believe it

(Being _Shinra-Tensei_ 'ed into a wall is no fun)

(And Tsunade is sick of seeing my sorry ass in hospital)

oOo

Rule #10

If Naruto and Hinata are going on a date, get someone to pin Neji down - **DO NOT DO IT ALONE**

(Gentle fist)

(Pfffft)

(Whoever invented this is a lying liar who lies)


	2. Chapter 2

Rule #11

Do not super-glue a shinobi's hands together

(While it does make for all kinds of funnies)

(It makes for all kinds of pain later)

oOo

Rule #12

Don't eat Anko's dango

(Just….no)

oOo

Rule #13

You are not a Kage, don't snowball other Kages into believing you are

(I said I was the Kage of Narnia)

(They totally believed me)

(Except for Gaara)

(But he didn't say anything)

(Why are these people the head of Villages again?)

oOo

Rule #14

Don't introduce Gaara as Gaara….of the FUNK

(Even if you have the theme music)

(It is not appreciated)

oOo

Rule #15

Don't go all fangirl on Sasuke and then claim that Ino used her Mind-Transfer Jutsu

(Unless she did)

(Then blame away)

oOo

Rule #16

Don't let Nagato use all the Akatsuki funds to buy Konan a present because he goofed up

(Kakazu gets pissed)

(And that's not fun)

oOo

Rule #17

Don't douse Zetsu with weed-killer

(He's allergic)

(Whoops)

oOo

Rule #18

Stop treating Kiba like he's Lassie

(But it's so funny)

(Cause his mum decided to do it as well)

(Revenge for chasing my cat!)

oOo

Rule #19

Don't call Gaara your little raccoon-baby/panda-cub in front of company

(Even if he is)

(Still not appreciated)

(One day….)

oOo

Rule #20

Kisame is not sushi, keep the cat away from him

(Stupid cat)


	3. Chapter 3

Rule #21

Do not steal/borrow/misplace Hidan's scythe

(And then stick it in Hidan's guts)

(It makes a mess)

oOo

Rule #22

Convincing Naruto that if I'm unhappy I will escape to Narnia though my wardrobe is not allowed

(He gets upset)

(Then convinces everyone I am running away)

(Itachi was not happy)

oOo

Rule #23

Do not tell the Genin that Zetsu's flytrap is compensating for something

(Even if it is)

(Though I have it on good authority that it isn't)

( _Damn_ , Zetsu)

oOo

Rule #24

Telling Sasuke that you slept with his brother is not to be repeated in front of him

(Even if it is true)

oOo

Rule #25

Learning to walk on water is for chakra control. It does not mean you are Jesus

(I totally am)

(They just don't realise it)

oOo

Rule #26

Smaug is not a summon. Neither is Aslan or any of the Pokémon

(They are!)

(I will summon them one day!)

oOo

Rule #27

The song 'I Think I'm Turning Japanese' is not to be blared over speakers at a festival

(It's annoying)

(Tobi is not allowed near my i-pod as a result)

(Why do I even have that song?)

oOo

Rule #28

Teaching Ton-Ton to walk on ceilings is okay. Singing 'Spider Pig' while doing so is not okay.

(Shizune finds it offensive)

(I told her Ton-Ton finds it offensive that she eats the flesh of his kin)

(Score)

oOo

Rule #29

The members of the Akatsuki are deadly missing nin. They are not my bitches

(They are)

(Mainly Itachi)

(Badum-tss)

oOo

Rule #30

Akatsuki HQ is not a brothel

(Seriously)

(Never again)


	4. Chapter 4

Rule #31

No-one is allowed to kill Tobi

(Even if he deserves it)

oOo

Rule #32

Tobi is not allowed to kill anyone

(Even if they deserve it)

oOo

Rule #33

Hidan is not a vampire, do not stake him

(Well, you can)

(But he gets pissed)

(It's a fun way to start his day)

oOo

Rule #34

Telling Naruto that flipping people off shows affection is not allowed

(It was hilarious)

(Until he flipped off Tsunade)

oOo

Rule #35

Changing the Akatsuki uniform to black and red footie pjs is forbidden

(But they're comfy)

(Itachi kept his pair)

(He secretly likes them)

oOo

Rule #36

Acting like the Crocodile Hunter around Kisame is not allowed

(It also does not qualify as wrestling with a shark)

oOo

Rule #37

Throwing surprise bachelor parties is forbidden

(It wasn't until they threw one for Itachi)

(And then everyone acted like my dad)

("Take care of our little girl...she's not into commitment.")

(You bastards)

oOo

Rule #38

Acting like a nature commentator around the Akatsuki members is to be stopped

("And now, the majestic Hidan, in his natural environment, removes some green goop from his nostrils as part of his daily cleansing ritual.")

(Hidan: "Ari, what the fuck? Stop!")

("Never!")

oOo

Rule #39

Following rule #38, taping yourself commenting on the Akatsuki members and then selling said tapes for profit is forbidden

(God I was rich)

(Kakazu was impressed)

(I have found a fellow helper)

oOo

Rule #40

When visiting someone in hospital, do not tell them that you used to be an adventurer until you took an arrow to the knee

(Do not proceed to force them to play Skyrim)

(I find their lack of interest disturbing)


	5. Chapter 5

Rule #41

Never say Nagato is anorexic

(He's just skinny)

(Stupid Tobi)

oOo

Rule #42

Never call Tsunade old

(Do I even need to explain this?)

oOo

Rule #43

Do not spread a rumour that Jiraiya has become a monk/brothel owner/woman

(He is too good at avenging himself)

oOo

Rule #44

Attempting to shave off Itachi's hair is not recommended

(Explaining that it's for charity does not make it better)

oOo

Rule #45

Trashing the house/base/office with balloon-condoms is not allowed

(Hidan: "Fucking blonde bitch had an orgy without us!")

(Now Itachi won't leave me alone)

(Dammit Hidan!)

oOo

Rule #46

If Shizune asks, you do not know where Tsunade hides her alcohol

(She won't share it with you if you do)

(Noooo my sake)

(T_T)

oOo

Rule #47

If someone disses the Ichiraku ramen stand/people who run the Ichiraku stand, call Naruto to deal with the problem

(It is much more fun to watch a pissed Naruto)

oOo

Rule #48

Never diss Ichiraku ramen

(A pissed Naruto is not fun to experience)

oOo

Rule #49

If someone asks what to do, do not respond with 'Sacrifice a virgin!'

(And then point to Sakura)

(Or Neji)

(Or Gai)

oOo

Rule #50

If stuck in the middle of a battle, do not yell out 'I can't die yet, I'm still a virgin!'

(Everyone is confused)

(And Itachi got some comments)

(We still can't find Hidan's left foot)


	6. Chapter 6

Rule #51

The Land of Snow does not allow penguin-sledding

(A shame really)

oOo

Rule #52

You are not allowed to bring back a penguin from the Land of Snow

(T3T)

(This rule upsets me)

oOo

Rule #53

Do not throw bath-bombs into the hot springs

(No matter who is in the bath)

oOo

Rule #54

Don't randomly dye your hair

(Unless it's for cosplay)

(They will see all kinds of issues with it)

(Like I'm depressed or some such thing)

oOo

Rule #55

Do not put a bored me and a bored Naruto in the same room

(Shit happens)

(Shit. Happens)

oOo

Rule #56

Do not put a bored me and a bored Akatsuki member in the same room

(Bye-bye old base)

(Hello destruction)

oOo

Rule #57

Don't tell Kisame's girlfriend that she's clearly into bestiality

(He sics Samehada on you)

oOo

Rule #58

Don't tell Sasori he has termites

(Even if he does)

oOo

Rule #59

When you are changing/showering/in a state of undress, lock the door. Most ninja do not knock

(That one….gets embarrassing)

(And yet they do not learn)

(And I do not learn)

oOo

Rule #60

Sedatives are not toys

(Not ones that I can use, anyway)


	7. Chapter 7

Rule #61

Following rule #61, neither are paper bombs

oOo

Rule #62

On that note, do not yell 'katsu' when you detonate a paper bomb

(Deidara gets pissed)

oOo

Rule #63

Do not avoid check ups

(An irate Tsunade is a Tsunade to avoid)

oOo

Rule #64

If stuck in a battle, do as you are told

(Don't do what I did)

(I ran towards the enemy)

(YOU MAY TAKE MY LIFE BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE MY FREEDOM!)

(I think Itachi had a heart-attack)

(Along with everyone else)

oOo

Rule #65

The Akatsuki are not male versions of the Sailor Scouts

(And that does not make me Chibiusa)

(Even though I dyed my hair pink)

(I want my own Helios, dammit!)

(T_T)

oOo

Rule #66

If Genin fail the bell test, send them back to the Academy. Do not throw them off of Hokage Mountain

(It was Hidan's idea)

(I'm easily led)

oOo

Rule #67

Don't sing 'All The Single Ladies' when Sakura enters the room

(She'll punch you)

(Hard)

oOo

Rule #68

Describing everything as 'swag' is only confusing for ninjas. Don't do it

(Because it catches on)

(I've ruined Neji)

oOo

Rule #69

Trampolines are not a substitute for the floor

(It's fun though)

(I bounced all around the base for weeks before anyone noticed)

oOo

Rule #70

Don't make a social-media account for Tobi

(He updates his status every five minutes)

(I unfriended him after an hour)


	8. Chapter 8

Rule #71

Do not set people on fire

(Even if they like it)

(Seriously, Hidan?)

oOo

Rule #72

Only Uchiha are allowed to have a tragically unrequited love life

(Miserable bastards)

oOo

Rule #73

You are not a secret Uchiha love child with a tragic love life

(Sinking my ships here)

oOo

Rule #74

Orochimaru is not allowed near the Academy

(Part of his rehab)

(And the kids are too stupid to stay away)

(Little buggers)

oOo

Rule #75

Neji is not a secret Nazi

(That is a curse-mark, not a swastika)

oOo

Rule #76

Ten-ten is not a dominatrix

(No matter how much you insist she is)

(S&M by Rhianna is not her theme song, either)

oOo

Rule #77

Lee is not a lost member of the Beatles

(He is a ninja)

(But daaaaaaamn)

(That boy can sing)

oOo

Rule #78

 **DO NOT ASK GAI FOR A TRAINING SESSION**

oOo

Rule #79

The Kage is not the Godfather

(And if his name is Joe)

(He does not become the Joekage)

oOo

Rule #80

ANBU members do not appreciate being mooned

(Unless you have a death-wish)


	9. Chapter 9

Rule #81

Following rule #80, neither does Orochimaru

(Getting a kunai thrown at your rear is rather terrifying)

(Even if it misses)

(But you can tell people that he broke your ass)

(And there's a crack right down the middle)

(Badum-tss)

oOo

Rule #82

Refrain from punching Kabuto in the face

(He was going through Naruto's Therapy-no-Jutsu)

(And was apologising to everyone for being a little shit)

(I called bullshit)

(And had to be escorted out of the building)

oOo

Rule #83

Do not send fake love notes from Konan to Nagato

(No matter how much you ship them)

oOo

Rule #84

Do not send fake love notes from Nagato to Konan

(The paper cuts burn)

(T^T)

oOo

Rule #85

Do not tell Sakura that she is flat-chested

(More punches)

oOo

Rule #86

Do not tell Sasuke that Itachi has incestuous feelings for him

(It makes for all the weirds)

oOo

Rule #87

Also, do not tell Sasuke that Orochimaru has disturbing feelings for him

(Even if he does)

(Orochi does not need the temptation)

(Break the addiction!)

oOo

Rule #88

Telling the Genin that defacing Hokage mountain is a secret way to get the Sannin to train them is wrong

(They just get in trouble)

(And then you get in trouble)

(Little traitors!)

oOo

Rule #89

You are not allowed to make fun of Neji just because he has girlie hair

(It's sad when a male is more girlie then you)

oOo

Rule #90

Telling Kurama that it's fox-hunting season is not allowed

(Rage-mode: activated)


	10. Chapter 10

Rule #91

Using Saiken's slime as hair gel is forbidden

(It's just gross)

oOo

Rule #92

Telling Deva-Pein that Saiken's slime doubles as hair gel is not allowed

(Still gross)

(But hilarious)

oOo

Rule #93

Stabbing Hidan and letting him bleed all over Kakuzu's money is not allowed

(No)

(Never again)

oOo

Rule #94

In general, don't mess up Kakuzu's money

( **EVER** )

oOo

Rule #95

Tobi is to be hidden away if Kakashi comes to visit

(The one-sided bromance is too intense)

oOo

Rule #96

Shukaku is insane, do **not** provoke him

oOo

Rule #97

Referring to any of the Jinchuriki's as the Tailed Beast's bitches is not recommended

(Even if the Beast's are in agreement)

(You cannot access their chakra to protect yourself)

oOo

Rule #98

Shaving off Jiriya's hair is a no-no

(He looked so funny though)

oOo

Rule #99

Never hide Naruto's ramen

(Unless he didn't do his ninja chores)

(Then hide away)

oOo

Rule #100

Do not stalk after Zetsu with a pair of hedge-clippers

(It makes him nervous)


	11. Chapter 11

**(Rosalie decided to help me with writing this! She writes all the even-numbered rules and I do the odd-numbered ones!)**

Rule #101

Telling Hinata's dad that Naruto knocked her up is not allowed

(The village destruction is not worth it)

oOo

Rule #102

Do not dye Lee or Gai's jumpsuits hot pink.

(They'll just wear them anyways)

(And terrorize and mentally scar everyone in the village)

(Kakashi still hasn't recovered)

oOo

Rule #103

Telling Neji that Naruto knocked Hinata up is not allowed

(The Daimyo was not impressed)

oOo

Rule #104

Taking Kakashi's Icha Icha books is NOT allowed

(Just don't even)

(Only an idiot would do it)

(He'd Thousand Years of Death you)

oOo

Rule #105

Talking in third-person is reserved for Tobi

(And Sesshomaru)

oOo

Rule #106

Calling Sasuke 'Duckbutt' is not permitted

(Even if his hair does look like the behind of a duck)

oOo

Rule #107

Hiding Deidara's clay is not allowed

(Especially in the toilet)

(No plumbing for a week…)

oOo

Rule #108

Do not tell Orochimaru about Fanfiction

(The man is already messed up)

(He doesn't need more reasons to be creepy)

oOo

Rule #109

Henge-ing into Itachi and putting some very creepy moves on Sasuke is not allowed

(Advised to not record his reaction and sell it)

oOo

Rule #110

Do not volunteer to be research material for Jiraiya's books

(He won't leave me alone afterwards)

(Bright side is I'm in a book Kakashi reads)


	12. Chapter 12

**(Rosalie decided to help me with writing this! She writes all the even-numbered rules and I do the odd-numbered ones!)**

Rule #111

Henge-ing into Sasuke and putting some very creepy moves on Itachi is not allowed

(I'm such a sucker for dares)

oOo

Rule #112

Do not try and take Kakashi's mask

oOo

Rule #113

Telling someone's fangirls where to find them is not allowed

(Especially Saskue)

(I nearly got Chidori'd for that one)

(Thank you Itachi 3)

oOo

Rule #114

Do not help Jiraiya spy on the woman's bath

(Seriously)

(You'll get a lot of angry women on your case)

(Myself included)

oOo

Rule #115

Telling Killer-Bee that he should go on tour is not a good idea

(Ay gets pissed)

oOo

Rule #116

Do not give Tobi sugar

(He turns into a sugar crazed demon)

(We're still trying to fix the base)

(And Hidan)

(He shouldn't have taken Tobi's cookies)

oOo

Rule #117

Telling Ay that Tsunade's got the hots for him is not allowed

(Because that is cradle robbing)

oOo

Rule #118

In accordance with rule #116, do NOT take Tobi's cookies

(He tore Hidan apart)

(Tobi is scary)

oOo

Rule #119

No Edo-Tensei allowed

(Ever)

oOo

Rule #120

Do not draw on Tobi's mask.

(He's very protective of his mask)

(And then he'll be weird about it all day)


	13. Chapter 13

**(Rosalie decided to help me with writing this! She writes all the even-numbered rules and I do the odd-numbered ones!)**

Rule #121

If someone breaks rule #119, no bringing back irritating people

(But the Hokages are cool)

(Always up for a drinking game)

oOo

Rule #122

Do not try and take pictures of Kakashi with his mask off.

(You will fail)

oOo

Rule #123

Telling Kakashi that they cancelled _Icha Icha_ series is not allowed

(The village experienced flooding)

(All his tears…)

oOo

Rule #124

Do not call Yamato 'Woody'

(He won't get the reference)

(He'll get teased)

(Naruto won't drop it)

(Good chance you'll get stuck in a wood cage for days)

oOo

Rule #125

Telling Naruto that Sasuke's been gay for him since they kissed is not allowed

(It also makes Hinata cry)

oOo

Rule #126

Do not tell the girls about fanfiction

(They already torment the boys enough)

(Don't give them more fuel)

oOo

Rule #127

Just because Sasuke has no parents does not mean I can adopt him

(And it'd mean I was Itachi's mum too)

(I do _not_ have a Jocasta complex, thanks very much)

oOo

Rule #128

Do not tell Lee or Gai about fanfiction

(Particularly yaoi)

(Lee is still traumatized)

(Nor will he look Gaara in the eye)

oOo

Rule #129

Telling Sasori that playing with dolls is for girls is not recommended

(Same for Kankuro)

oOo

Rule #130

Spreading rumours that Gai has the hots for Kakashi is forbidden

(Naruto took this to heart)

(Tried finding out if it was true)

(Bless the little foxy boy)


	14. Chapter 14

**(Rosalie decided to help me with writing this! She writes all the even-numbered rules and I do the odd-numbered ones!)**

Rule #131

Just because Tobi has a lollipop mask does not mean that it tastes like a lollipop

(Much to my displeasure)

oOo

Rule #132

Spreading rumours that Kakashi has the hots for Gai is forbidden

(Though Kakashi managed to avoid Gai for some time)

(He asked me on a date to prove he didn't)

(Score)

oOo

Rule #133

Telling Matsuri that Gaara fantasises about killing her is not allowed

(Though she stopped interrupting my time with Gaara)

(No regrets)

(My panda cub)

(Rawr)

oOo

Rule #134

Kakashi and Iruka are not secretly dating

(Even so they look so cute together)

(I ship it)

oOo

Rule #135

Hidan is not a stress-ball

(I was really annoyed about something)

(And Hidan was annoying me)

(So I used him as a stress ball)

(Which translates to me cutting him up)

(Kakuzu was annoyed)

(They had a mission)

(Oops)

oOo

Rule #136

Teaching Tobi annoying songs is not allowed

(He still won't shut up)

(I hate the _Gummy Bear_ song with a passion now)

(And it was annoying before)

oOo

Rule #137

Converting Hidan to other religions while he is intoxicated/high/etc. is not allowed

(No matter how much money Kakuzu gives you)

oOo

Rule #138

It is not advised to challenge Naruto to a ramen eating contest

(You will lose)

(I was sick for hours after)

oOo

Rule #139

Henge-ing any of the Akatsuki members into women is not allowed

(Itachi still looked more or less the same)

(He just had boobs)

(I am still questioning my sexuality)

oOo

Rule #140

Asking Gai on a date and standing him up is not allowed

(It's just plain mean)

(I went out on a date with him)

(It was surprisingly fun)

(We plan to do it again)


	15. Chapter 15

**(Rosalie decided to help me with writing this! She writes all the even-numbered rules and I do the odd-numbered ones!)**

Rule #141

Using Forbidden Jutsu is to be cleared with a clever-er ninja then you

(It was an accident!)

oOo

Rule #142

Do not play 'Who Let The Dogs Out' when any of Inuzuka clan walk by

(In fairness, they didn't mind)

(Kiba and I had an awesome rock out session together)

oOo

Rule #143

Turning any of the gang into kids is not a good idea

(They were all adorable though)

(Itachi was so cute)

(I was crying over Gaara)

(And baby Kisame was just too much)

(Major puppy-pile in my room that night)

oOo

Rule #144

Do not ask Gai to be your nude model for art class

(Don't actually regret this one)

(Who knew what Gai was hiding under that jumpsuit)

(All that exercise paid off)

(Rawr)

oOo

Rule #145

Telling Lee that you cannot date him because you are gay/an alien/taken/married is not allowed

(It is also a lie)

(Mostly)

(We ended up going on a date)

(It was fun)

(But we decided to remain friends)

oOo

Rule #146

Do not replace weapons with plastic imitations

(It is not appreciated)

(It's not funny)

(It's dangerous)

(Especially going out on missions)

oOo

Rule #147

You are not a Rozen Maiden, stop pretending to be

(I managed to find a boxset)

(And got the Akatsuki hooked)

(The cosplay was real)

oOo

Rule #148

Do not write rude comments on Iruka's blackboard

(He'll know who did it)

(And his wrath isn't pretty)

oOo

Rule #149

Taking out a life-insurance policy on any of your ninja friends is not allowed

(Unless they suggest it)

oOo

Rule #150

Do not steal Iruka's hair tie

(He's surprisingly attached to that thing)

(Though he looks so sexy with it down)


	16. Chapter 16

**(Rosalie decided to help me with writing this! She writes all the even-numbered rules and I do the odd-numbered ones!)**

Rule #151

Gaara is to be treated as a Kage when at public ceremonies

(No random glomping)

(Or adorable nicknames)

(He doesn't get mad)

(But everyone laughs at him)

(And I turn all Momma bear)

(Rawr)

oOo

Rule #152

Do not mess with Iruka in general

(Fun as it is, not worth the yelling)

(Or the chores)

(He'll still punish you even if you aren't a student)

oOo

Rule #153

Adopting Gaara/any of the Jinchuriki's must be cleared with the person in question

(This rule was made just for me!)

(I have a big heart!)

oOo

Rule #154

Do not steal Asuma's cigarettes

(You'd have to be a complete idiot)

oOo

Rule #155

Telling Kurenai that smoking kills is allowed

(Telling her that Asuma loves a smoke more then her is not)

oOo

Rule #156

Ibiki is NOT the Joker

(Don't ask him how he got his scars)

(It's a really terrifying story)

(He'll show you his scars)

(I have nightmares now)

(He has a really twisted sense of humour)

oOo

Rule #157

Deidara is a boy, end of discussion

(No matter how much make-up he wears)

oOo

Rule #158

Do not interrupt Shikamaru's naps

(It's a really bad idea)

(It is not pleasant being on the other end of his Shadow Jutsus)

(I am now scared of shadows)

oOo

Rule #159

Nuking the Sound Village is not allowed

(Without permission from a Kage)

(I regret nothing)

oOo

Rule #160

Napping instead of going to training sessions is not allowed

(Talking to you Shika)


	17. Chapter 17

**(Rosalie decided to help me with writing this! She writes all the even-numbered rules and I do the odd-numbered ones!)**

Rule #161

Dates are for couples; do not spy on them

(That means YOU Jiraiya)

oOo

Rule #162

At ALL costs, DO NOT call Choji any of the 'F' words

(You'd have to be some kind of stupid to do that)

(That includes you, Sai)

(It's just mean)

oOo

Rule #163

Telling Sakura that she has a big forehead is not allowed

(Unless Sasuke agrees)

(Otherwise, run)

oOo

Rule #164

In accordance with rule #162, fat jokes about Choji are not allowed

(It's just plain rude)

oOo

Rule #165

Spraying Shino with bug spray is not allowed

(He doused Sasori with termites)

oOo

Rule #166

Do not encourage or aid Konohamaru's pranks

(Funny as they are, the punishment…. Not so much)

(Boy was Tsunade mad)

oOo

Rule #167

Dousing Kiba for fleas is his mother's job, not yours

(I missed my dog)

(And none of the dogs that Kiba had needed washing)

(So Kiba it was)

(He wore a swimsuit, calm down)

oOo

Rule #168

Do not place a dating ad for Iruka or any of the other single ninja

(Some of them actually appreciated it)

oOo

Rule #169

Telling Gai that the springtime of his youth is over is not recommended

(He gets depressed)

oOo

Rule #170

Do not get in the way of Gai's challenges to Kakashi

(Ended up being the prize for the challenge)

(So not a prize to be one)

(In fairness, Gai was really sweet)


	18. Chapter 18

**(Rosalie decided to help me with writing this! She writes all the even-numbered rules and I do the odd-numbered ones!)**

Rule #171

Choji likes an occasional hug; no day-long-body-hugs

(No matter how snuggly he is)

oOo

Rule #172

Do not play or hum the 'Jaws' theme whenever Kisame walks by

(Cause he'll get it into his head)

(And then he'll start humming it before he enters a room)

(It gets terrifying when you don't know where it's coming from)

(Bathtime isn't safe anymore)

(Will never go swimming again!)

oOo

Rule #173

Do not take a picture of Kakashi's unmasked face and put up copies everywhere

(The amount of women he has to swim through to training is not worth it)

oOo

Rule #174

When Inochi is scanning your mind, do not scream " **MIND RAPE!** "

(It makes him uncomfortable)

(It makes everyone in I&T uncomfortable)

(Anko will laugh)

(Ibiki ignores it because he's a stick in the mud)

oOo

Rule #175

It is pronounced Ra-sen-gan, not Ra-men-gan

(Oops!)

oOo

Rule #176

Don't offer to buy Naruto Ramen.

(Your wallet will not thank you)

(He's basically a bottomless pit)

(Where does he put it all?)

oOo

Rule #177

It is never raining men in Konoha, stop throwing people from Kage mountain when it's cloudy

(So much fun)

(And they were ninjas)

(They land on their feet)

(Mostly)

oOo

Rule #178

Don't challenge Lee or Gai to a curry eating contest

(I still can't taste anything)

(My stomach was killing me for days after)

(Gai was sweet enough to take care of me)

(Though I kicked him out for being too loud and thinking I was going to die)

oOo

Rule #179

If Itachi does not stick religiously to his eye-healing-schedule, ban sex and/or dango

(Ohhh that was a fun day)

oOo

Rule #180

Giving Lee alcohol is strictly FORBIDDEN

(Who in their right mind would do that)

(The damage was extensive)

(He destroyed half the village before he was finally caught)


	19. Chapter 19

**(Rosalie decided to help me with writing this! She writes all the even-numbered rules and I do the odd-numbered ones!)**

Rule #181

Don't give the Genin alcohol

(They're not allowed to drink until they're older)

 **oOo**

Rule #182

Telling the Genins that they'll be killed if they fail their first mission is not allowed

(It just terrifies them)

(Though it provides proper motivation for them)

(Really, the Hokage should be thanking me)

(Highest rate of successful first missions in years)

oOo **  
**

Rule #183

Do not say that Temari is your 'fangirl'

(She'll show you what she thinks of that)

oOo **  
**

Rule #184

Do not take Lee or Gai to get their eyebrows waxed

(That poor woman was thrown through a wall)

oOo **  
**

Rule #185

Lee's eyebrows are not to be shaved off

(Using shaved eyebrows as a costume moustache is also not allowed)

oOo **  
**

Rule #186

In addition to rule #184, do not take Gai or Lee to get ANY part of their bodies waxed

(Assistants got thrown left and right)

oOo **  
**

Rule #187

Do not walk up to Sasuke when he is with another female and accuse him of cheating

(You get all sorts of weirds)

(And Sakura lost her shit)

oOo **  
**

Rule #188

Do not suggest a karaoke night to the Akatsuki

(My ears are still bleeding)

(Itachi can sing)

(Tobi can not)

oOo **  
**

Rule #189

Do not replace all of Ten-Ten's weapons with squeaky toys

(It isn't exactly the image she's going for in battle)

(Kiba was thrilled though)

oOo **  
**

Rule #190

Singing 'I've Got No Strings' around Sasori is not allowed.

(He hates that song with a passion)

(Had to run for dear life to avoid being turned into a puppet)

(Having Chakra strings control your movements is NOT fun)


	20. Chapter 20

**(Rosalie decided to help me with writing this! She writes all the even-numbered rules and I do the odd-numbered ones!)**

Rule #191

Do not insist that Deidara does inappropriate things with the mouths on his hands

(The temptation….)

oOo

Rule #192

Do not imply that Sasori and Deidara have a master and servant relationship

(Sasori was rather pleased by it)

(Deidara was not)

(He tried blowing me up)

oOo

Rule #193

Telling any of Sasuke's fangirls where his top-secret hideout is is not a 'bro' thing to do

(The fire...it burns)

oOo

Rule #194

Telling Kakuzu you need money to go to a strip club is not a good idea

(Most likely he'll try to kill you)

(Luckily, I wasn't the poor sap who suggested the idea)

(We're still cleaning up bits of him)

oOo

Rule #195

Telling Itachi that his parent's should have named Sasuke Sasu-gay is not allowed

(No matter how funny the look on his face is)

oOo

Rule #196

Do not attempt to stick magnets on Pein's face

(He really does not appreciate it)

(Even though the temptation is great)

(Being subject to _Shinra-Tensei_ is not great)

oOo

Rule #197

The Valley of the End statues are not to be drawn on

(You will be made to clean them)

oOo

Rule #198

Do not ask if Kakuzu is into bondage

(Took me nearly all day to get out)

(Bastard)

oOo

Rule #199

Do not tell Naruto that you support his bishie love

(He just gets confused)

(Even if you do)

oOo

Rule #200

Do NOT tell ANYONE about fanfiction

(It'll cause pure CHAOS across the Five Nations and territories)

(DON'T DO IT)


	21. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"Ari-chan!" Tobi squealed, jumping atop the unsuspecting blonde. "What are you doing? Can Tobi help?"

Ariana grinned and patted Tobi's head with her free hand.

"I'm fine, Tobi-kun," she assured him. "I'm just writing up a list of guidelines for the new recruits that are coming."

"Ah! Tobi understands now! Tobi is a clever boy!" Tobi said proudly, holding a finger up.

"Yes, you're a very clever boy Tobi, but I think you need to hide now," she whispered, dragging him into a huddle. "Rosa-chan is bringing Kakashi-kun back to the base and you know how he gets."

Though she couldn't see his face, Ariana could swear that he rolled his eyes.

"Tobi understands! Tobi will go hide now! Thanks, Ari-chan!" he said in his cheerful way, hugging his friend.

"No problem. See you later, Tobi!" she waved as Tobi ran down the corridor. She sighed. "That boy is waaay too energetic this early in the day," she grumbled, jumping as a pair of arms wrapped themselves around their shoulders.

"True. But his antics are amusing to watch," a warm voice said in her ear. "Your task for Leader-sama?"

"Just about done," Ariana murmured, "How did the mission go?"

Itachi released her and leaned against the edge of the desk. "Smoothly. Kisame was disappointed that there were no difficulties."

"I'm not," she smirked. "Means I have someone to eat dango with again."

"Oh?" a slender brow rose in question. "Is that the only reason?"

"Weeeell, no," she grinned, pushing back her chair and standing up. "There was one other thing..."

"Oh?"

Ariana grinned before pressing a quick kiss to Itachi's cheek, darting off down the corridor. "Catch me if you can!"

Itachi smirked and sped off after her, the guidelines lying forgotten on the table.

* * *

 **Well this one went fast! I loved every second of it, and there may or may not be a spin off of Ariana and Itachi's relationship - watch this story for an update! Please review!**


	22. Rule 1

**Outtake 1 - I feel pretty~**

Rule #1 - Hide your eye make-up from Gaara/Deidara/Itachi/Orochimaru

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaara-kuuuuuuuuun!" Ariana sang playfully as she danced into the Kazekage's office. Though he would never admit it, Gaara flinched. "I have a present for you!" she continued eagerly as she jumped onto his desk. "Itachi isn't going to need those dango vouchers after all, so I thought that you'd like them!"

"Why?" the red-head asked cautiously. This time, Ariana flinched.

"He went back on a promise," she said icily, a smile still fixed on her face. "So I'm punishing him." She grinned at him warmly. "So, d'you want some dango or not?"

Gaara sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly and managing a small smile. "I am a little hungry. Thank you."

"Hang on-" Ariana leaned in, her eyes fixed on his face. "Are you wearing eyeliner?"

"What?" he asked nervously, glancing down at his hand and groaning when he saw the dark smears.

"You're wearing eyeliner!" she repeated, a devious smile on her face as he slowly pushed his chair back and stood. "Oh Gaara, there's no need to be embarrassed! A ton of boys at home would wear eyeliner too! There's a ton of different cliques - Goth, Emo, Cross-Dressing - but it's all perfectly natural-"

She was babbling now, but Gaara didn't mind. She hadn't caught on. He smiled weakly, though it dropped right off his face when she froze.

"Hold on a minute. Are you wearing _my_ eyeliner?" she said incredulously. He backed away, heading for the window. " **Gaara**! You little shit! I blew up Hidan for God's sake! Give it back to me, now! **GAARA! YOU MIGHT BE THE KAZEKAGE BUT I'M YOUR MOMMA AND MOMMA SAYS TO STAY STILL SO I CAN BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF YOU FOR STEALING MY MAKEUP! GAARA! GET BACK HERE YOU SANDY FUCKER AND LET ME MAIM YOU!** "

* * *

"I fucking hate that child," Ariana pouted at Konan the next week. "He must've stolen my eyeliner again. That little shit."

"Maybe if you didn't leave your things lying about, this wouldn't happen," the blue-haired kunoichi pointed out reasonably, taking a sip of her tea.

"But it's _makeup_ ," the blonde whined. "I didn't expect a boy to use it! Hidan steals it all the time, but he usually rubs it in my face after an hour or so."

"It's not Hidan, then?"

"No," Ariana moped, flopping pathetically onto the table. "Kakuzu searched him. I don't know who else would take it aside from Gaara and Hidan."

A few minutes passed in silence. Konan sipped her tea calmly, her eyes watching Ariana over the rim of her cup. Eventually, Ariana sat up and pushed her chair back.

"I need an aspirin," she muttered. "Be right back." She shuffled her way to the nearest bathroom, picking at the fraying hem of her jumper as she pushed open the door. She froze. Standing in front of the sink was Deidara, in the ages-old pose that women (and men, on occasion) would adopt to apply eyeliner. Normally, she'd laugh and get on with her life. However, this particular stick of eyeliner had her initials carved into it (courtesy of Itachi).

" **Deidara** ," she snarled. The explosive-nin froze and peeked over his shoulder, trying for a smile.

"It's not what it looks like, un," he began. Ariana lunged for him.

In the kitchen, Konan glanced up from her newspaper as a roar echoed through the base.

" **YOU LITTLE SHIT, YOU MADE ME THINK BADLY OF MY EMO-PANDA-RACCOON-BABY! GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING EYELINER YOU FLOPPY-WANDED-DEMENTOR-BOGGERER!** "

The kunouchi smiled. _Knew she'd figure it out_.

* * *

"Ari-chan!" Naruto called, jogging over to her as she stood outside the Hokage building. "What're you doing here?"

"Waiting for Orochimaru," she replied, accepting the crushing hug, "He had a reaction to something and Tsunade's the only one who'll deal with him, so..."

"Ah, I get it! Ne, ne, d'you want to come for ramen later? I'll buy! It'll be like a date!" the teen said excitedly, and Ariana laughed, playing with the end of her ponytail.

"Make it two bowls and you've got a deal," she grinned, turning when Tsunade yelled out her window to her. "I'm coming - ooof!" Naruto hoisted her up in his arms and ran up the side of the building easily, slipping her through the window as he crouched on the ledge with a goofy grin. "A little warning next time," she grinned, pinching his cheek before turning to the Hokage and a...sunglasses-wearing Orochimaru? She was going to have nightmares of this.

"Er...Tsunade-sama?" she asked feebly as Naruto roared with laughter. The Hokage coughed, not quite concealing her chuckle.

"Yes, Orochimaru has had a rather _nasty_ reaction, as you are aware. The allergen entered his system through the skin around his eyes, making them quite sensitive to light, hence the eyewear," she said briskly, leaning against her desk and tossing a bottle of pills at Ariana. "He's to take these twice a day for the next week, with food preferably. It should clear up."

"What was the allergen?" Ariana asked curiously. Tsunade plucked a small, round container from her desk and grinned.

"Eyeshadow," she said simply, cocking a brow at the container. "It isn't, however, a brand that's sold in Konoha, so I'd have to assume he bought it from a merchant. M-A-C...Can't say I've heard of it before. He hasn't actually said anything yet, have you snake-boy?" she shot at him snidely, grinning.

"Tsunade-sama?" Ariana asked quietly. "May I ask a favour of you?"

"Eh?" the Sannin asked confusedly, looking bemused as Ariana stepped forward to whisper in her ear. Her expression darkened, and her aura became murderous. "No problem," she said grimly, rolling up her sleeves as she stepped towards the sweating man.

" **STEALING MAKEUP AGAIN, EH OROCHIMARU? DIDN'T LEARN YOUR LESSON THE LAST TIME, I SEE!** "

Orochimaru ended up in hospital later that evening. Ariana didn't really care. No-one messed with her MAC products.

* * *

"Itachi?" Ariana called, wrapping her towel about her a little more securely as she cracked the bathroom door open. "Shower's all yours!"

"Thank you," he whispered in her ear, making her squeal and punch him. Well. She tried. He wasn't a missing-nin for nothing. "Ariana, calm yourself," he said coolly as he held her trapped fist in one hand. She pouted at him.

"Can't you even let me land a hit once?" she complained, pulling her hand back and heading into the bedroom. "Stupid ninja."

Her pout slipped from her face and was replaced with a smile as she saw her outfit for the evening was that divine dress she'd seen the other day but couldn't buy. Rosalie must've told him she'd wanted it. Or, she allowed as she touched the red velvet reverently, he'd just known she'd wanted it. Just like he knew when she was homesick and needed cuddles. She had the best boyfriend.

 _He is so getting sex later,_ she mused happily, rubbing some moisturiser on her face. _Happy birthday to me..._

Dressed and with her hair carefully styled, Ariana reached for her makeup bag only to find it wasn't on her dressing table. She must've left it in the bathroom. Sighing and padding over to the door, she just walked in, an apology dying on her lips as she caught sight of her boyfriend with long, black streaks down his cheeks.

"Itachi, did you wear my mascara? _Again_?" she groaned, pressing a hand to her forehead. He had the grace to look sheepish.

"Sorry?" he offered, flinching when she shot him the nastiest of her glares, before grinning. And not in a way that made him feel any better.

"Itachi, you didn't take your medicine today, did you?" she asked sweetly. Itachi stared at her, confused.

"Yes, I di-"

"Oh dear, you've forgotten _again_ ," she said loudly, picking up her make-up bag and heading for the door, "Which means that your eyes aren't going to be up to standard tonight. And I'm afraid that means only one thing in this base."

Itachi's eyes widened. "Ariana, please," he begged. (No, he wasn't above begging when the situation was dire.) "Don't do this."

She paused and turned in the doorway, smiling at him seductively and evilly at the same time. _How did she do it?_ a small part of Itachi's brain wondered.

"No dango," she said slowly, relishing the words. "No sex. For. A. Week." She smirked at him as he crumpled. "I'll be waiting outside, dear."

* * *

 **Sooo yeah. Some of the more 'interesting' rules will be made into chapters...lul XD if you have any particular favourites that you'd like to see, please let me know with a lovely little review!**


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